The race is on to try and DNA map newly emerged ancient viral strains from bottom coring at Loch Ness.
“I have been worried that vigorous coring and reaming of the loch’s bottom could provide a route for viral agents that have long since disappeared from earth’s biosphere to resurface”, Professor Kettle told this blog. “If we can’t identify and neutralise these things then Covid 19 Coronavirus might look like a walk in the park”.
Some of the mutations discovered have now been taken to the US Centre for Extreme Toxins, close to the site of the Manhattan Project. Here they will be sealed into a glass and concrete bio containment lad 400 metres beneath the desert. Robot analysers will be used to identify and index the viruses. If a leak occurs, these mutations are considered so dangerous that a small nuclear weapon will detonate, completely destroying the laboratory and its contents. Safety is now the number one priority after Covid and Ebola have wreaked so much havoc.
“We’re taking every precaution as some of the life forms beneath Loch Ness have proved very dangerous”.
The terrifying slime is killing water bodies around the world and can paralyse or even kill swimmers. Now traces of it have been discovered on shorelines around Loch Ness.
Speaking exclusively to this blog, a concerned local has hit out at what he describes as “the mother of all cover-ups”. He said, “I approached various agencies concerned with the loch and they all warned me off. One told me that I was “a dangerous nutter” and another said, “beware of dark forces, pal.”
However, the local man said he would continue to pursue this new Loch Ness Monster and vowed, “I won’t keep quiet until highly qualified academics like Professor Kettle investigate and report. If there is something that could cause harm then it needs to be out in the open”.
Visitors to Loch Ness have been warned not to put Nessie’s life in danger by throwing their old Covid19 face masks into the water.
Unbelievably, every year a large number of tourists dump millions of tonnes of rubbish and human waste all around and into the once pristine waters. Now Loch Ness Research Project Coordinator, Umor Raarbish has gone on the offensive: “We’ve put hidden surveillance equipment at all main areas frequented by visitors and we can monitor their littering in real time”
“Fines of up to £20,000 can be levied against any tourist who makes a mess and our message is simple: “we want your business but not a bad attitude so take your mess with you”.
Professor Kettle, who runs the scientific investigation into the Loch Ness Monster has previously warned about the dangers of avian flu killing Nessie. Dinosaurs are related to birds and Covid is another flu-like virus that puts the multi million year old plesiosaur in grave danger.
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable at time of going to press.
A fleet of state-of-the-art micro submarines has been plying the dark waters of Loch Ness in a scientific quest to capture DNA and other fragments from the aquatic plesiosaur.
Speaking exclusively to this Blog, Professor Theo Vindelwagen of the California Institute of Marine Supply Conservation said, “we are using laser RADAR submarines that are controlled by a Mother Ship on the surface of the loch. The early images are incredible – several plesiosaur shapes can be seen in submarine “herds” feeding at the bottom of the deepest areas. That’s new and proves that we have many monsters in this unique body of water”.
“Some of your readers may be familiar with the famous submarine that belongs to the British Antarctic Survey, “Boaty Mc. Boat Face”. Our drone subs are technologically superior and we have 35 units now roaming Loch Ness.”
The survey is expected to take a few more days and we look forward to publishing the results as they are created by the AI code. You can watch progress of expeditions via our Loch Ness live stream.
We are delighted to inform everyone that the Officially Original Loch Ness Monster Nessie Live Cam is back and streaming live. Due to Covid19 we suffered considerable disruption and are thankful for all your messages of support. We have had a limited service for awhile but now repairs have been finished, so please: Enjoy hunting for Nessie and viewing the sheep in the paddock!
A little something to take your mind off the virus.
It’s an odd one this but planners have applied to themselves to get their own permission to waste £100,000s of “Common Good” money on a hideous precast concrete Berlin Wall, which is to be built to obscure the shoreline of the natural and beautiful River Ness.
This monstrosity is an apparently much beloved vanity project backed by the likes of local provost Helen Carmichael (rarely to be seen not wearing her “chains of office”) and the die hard anti-art brigade are hell bent on despoiling Inverness and wasting the money even when it is desperately needed for very worthy projects to fight and alleviate Coronoavirus COVID19.
In scenes from an apocalyptic movie, Scotland’s Capital of the Highlands, Inverness, is now a ghost city. Hardly any people are to be seen. Shops are boarded up and if a man was pulling a cart up the High Street yelling “bring out your dead” was working, it would be like the Great Plague of the 17th century.
Restaurants, takeaways, pubs, theatres, social venues, public gardens – just about everything is closed and tourists, visitors and locals are being told to stay away and stay at home.
“It’s a disaster for the Loch Ness Research Project for Internet Anomalies“, Professor Kettle told this paper. “We are doing what we can from self-isolation on our carbon fibre floating hub on Loch Ness but we have been told we must stay anchored well away from the land and have supplies sent to us by boat with social distancing maintained at all times. Obviously, if Nessie became infected then this pandemic could become much worse as the interaction of a novel virus with a Jurassic creature could cause unknown mutations”.
Inverness by Loch Ness starts Coronavirus Testing in Emergency Army Style Horror
Locals and visitors to the areas have been very concerned as “Drive-Thru” Bio-Hazard tents have been erected to test people for the deadly coronavirus COVID-19. Medical staff at Raigmore hospital attend the plague containment units wearing special suits and breathing apparatus.
A spokesperson for the silent majority said, “we have the Loch Ness Monster – protected in law by the government – so we cannot risk the virus doing more damage. Already people have been panic buying in supermarkets and no hand sanitizer is available, with pasta and toilet paper among other items now is short supply”.
Locals were stunned today when the government dispatched a highly sophisticated helicopter to search for Nessie, the ever elusive Loch Ness Monster. Exclusive photographs have been provided to this Blog showing an extensive search after a hill walker reported seeing “something strange but massive lumbering over rocks” on the mountain above Loch Ness.
An un-named spokesman for HM Search & Rescue said “obviously we are aware that Nessie is a Protected Species under the Animal Welfare Act and we have a duty to ensure she is safe and not in danger of capture or injury by nefarious individuals or trophy hunters. Accordingly we dispatched and Air & Sea Search & Rescue helicopter with the latest location technology.”
The spokesman added, “on this occasion we did not locate The Loch Ness Monster but were able to secure the area and make sure the beast was safe. Since the famous Spicer Sighting of 1936 Nessie has often been seen on land and we regularly patrol the area in support of Professor Kettle’s Loch Ness Internet Research Project and other local authorities”.
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