The race is on to try and DNA map newly emerged ancient viral strains from bottom coring at Loch Ness.
“I have been worried that vigorous coring and reaming of the loch’s bottom could provide a route for viral agents that have long since disappeared from earth’s biosphere to resurface”, Professor Kettle told this blog. “If we can’t identify and neutralise these things then Covid 19 Coronavirus might look like a walk in the park”.
Some of the mutations discovered have now been taken to the US Centre for Extreme Toxins, close to the site of the Manhattan Project. Here they will be sealed into a glass and concrete bio containment lad 400 metres beneath the desert. Robot analysers will be used to identify and index the viruses. If a leak occurs, these mutations are considered so dangerous that a small nuclear weapon will detonate, completely destroying the laboratory and its contents. Safety is now the number one priority after Covid and Ebola have wreaked so much havoc.
“We’re taking every precaution as some of the life forms beneath Loch Ness have proved very dangerous”.
The terrifying slime is killing water bodies around the world and can paralyse or even kill swimmers. Now traces of it have been discovered on shorelines around Loch Ness.
Speaking exclusively to this blog, a concerned local has hit out at what he describes as “the mother of all cover-ups”. He said, “I approached various agencies concerned with the loch and they all warned me off. One told me that I was “a dangerous nutter” and another said, “beware of dark forces, pal.”
However, the local man said he would continue to pursue this new Loch Ness Monster and vowed, “I won’t keep quiet until highly qualified academics like Professor Kettle investigate and report. If there is something that could cause harm then it needs to be out in the open”.
Visitors to Loch Ness have been warned not to put Nessie’s life in danger by throwing their old Covid19 face masks into the water.
Unbelievably, every year a large number of tourists dump millions of tonnes of rubbish and human waste all around and into the once pristine waters. Now Loch Ness Research Project Coordinator, Umor Raarbish has gone on the offensive: “We’ve put hidden surveillance equipment at all main areas frequented by visitors and we can monitor their littering in real time”
“Fines of up to £20,000 can be levied against any tourist who makes a mess and our message is simple: “we want your business but not a bad attitude so take your mess with you”.
Professor Kettle, who runs the scientific investigation into the Loch Ness Monster has previously warned about the dangers of avian flu killing Nessie. Dinosaurs are related to birds and Covid is another flu-like virus that puts the multi million year old plesiosaur in grave danger.
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable at time of going to press.
It is the news many locals have been dreading ever since the supermarket moved to new premises – the beautiful 1960s building it used to occupy has been dubbed “an eyesore” and will now be demolished.
A spokesperson for The Silent Majority said, “we’re gutted. This old shop has been a real focal point in the village and attracted architectural students from around the world. We even had an offer to Twin it with some fortified military bunkers in The Lebanon, which share a lot of its style and features. Now it’s going to be pulled down in scenes reminiscent of the old village public toilet that was cruelly demolished without ceremony and is now all but forgotten.”
Many Loch Ness Research projects and expeditions have used the fish and chip shop that was also located in the much loved monstrous carbuncle and all of that history will now be lost as well. Professor Kettle said, “it’s just so sad. This building oozes history and it’s loss will be felt right across the Loch Ness and cryptozoological community. I had hoped that a rich investor would step in and save the building but that now looks unlikely”.
A local chief said, “we have some plans to make a permanent photographic exhibition of the old shop in the new village car park but it’s all in the early stages at the moment and we would have previously sought funding from The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board (HOST) but they’ve got their own problems now”.
There have been rumours that a lottery is to be held with top prize consisting of the right to press the button on the charges used to raze the carbuncle to the ground. “It’s in the cards but there is still a lot of disagreement about if it’s appropriate and who would get the charity money. One idea is to award it to The Bewildered Trust For Confused Marine Animals or to the UN Yeti Relief Fund (UNYRF).
We are delighted to inform everyone that the Officially Original Loch Ness Monster Nessie Live Cam is back and streaming live. Due to Covid19 we suffered considerable disruption and are thankful for all your messages of support. We have had a limited service for awhile but now repairs have been finished, so please: Enjoy hunting for Nessie and viewing the sheep in the paddock!
A little something to take your mind off the virus.
Like something out of a horror movie, new blue-green algae blooms have been found in and around Loch Ness and warnings issued. Iridescent and beautiful, the blue-green algae is able to produce toxins that are linked to illness, or even death, in humans and animals.
Anyone coming across the blooms of cyanobacteria should flee at once and be extra vigilant.
The killer algae is invading the United States with emergencies being declared in more and more areas.
It’s an odd one this but planners have applied to themselves to get their own permission to waste £100,000s of “Common Good” money on a hideous precast concrete Berlin Wall, which is to be built to obscure the shoreline of the natural and beautiful River Ness.
This monstrosity is an apparently much beloved vanity project backed by the likes of local provost Helen Carmichael (rarely to be seen not wearing her “chains of office”) and the die hard anti-art brigade are hell bent on despoiling Inverness and wasting the money even when it is desperately needed for very worthy projects to fight and alleviate Coronoavirus COVID19.
In scenes from an apocalyptic movie, Scotland’s Capital of the Highlands, Inverness, is now a ghost city. Hardly any people are to be seen. Shops are boarded up and if a man was pulling a cart up the High Street yelling “bring out your dead” was working, it would be like the Great Plague of the 17th century.
Restaurants, takeaways, pubs, theatres, social venues, public gardens – just about everything is closed and tourists, visitors and locals are being told to stay away and stay at home.
“It’s a disaster for the Loch Ness Research Project for Internet Anomalies“, Professor Kettle told this paper. “We are doing what we can from self-isolation on our carbon fibre floating hub on Loch Ness but we have been told we must stay anchored well away from the land and have supplies sent to us by boat with social distancing maintained at all times. Obviously, if Nessie became infected then this pandemic could become much worse as the interaction of a novel virus with a Jurassic creature could cause unknown mutations”.
Locals are beginning to fear that novel coronavirus (COVID19) may have infected Nessie and possibly killed the creature(s). No credible sightings of the monster have been made since the lock-down of Scotland began a month ago.
“We know that the Loch Ness Monster is a prehistoric creature and therefore shares DNA with modern birds and animals. In fact, birds are descendants of the dinosaurs and that is why recent outbreaks of Avian Flu have also placed the cryptid at risk”, Professor Kettle – leader of the Loch Ness Investigative Research Project said.
The government has passed laws preventing tourists from visiting the Highlands of Scotland until further notice and all non-essential businesses are closed. All we can do is hope that Nessie is safe and will be seen again soon.
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