We’re no sure what is happening around Loch Ness but there have been a number of people in bio hazard suits seen taking samples around the area. When approached these people mumble “national security” and refuse to answer any questions. It is known that a lot of visitors have been using surrounding woodlands as toilet areas, particularly since Highland Council introduced a 50p charge for village toilets in Drumnadrochit.
The catastrophe follows a period a few years ago in which thousands of tourists and others were seen throwing dead chickens into the loch. There was widespread concern at the time that Avian Flue could kill Nessie as dinosaurs are known to be the ancestors of today’s birds.
Fortunately the chicken craze has dwindled but now something more deadly may be in the water or surrounding areas. We have managed to gain some insight since an anonymous whistle blower contacted Professor Kettle of The Loch Ness Research Project. He said, “we have found a virus and are evaluating its danger to the public. It is believed to have accidentally been released from a research laboratory and travelled to the Loch Ness area on board a Caledonian Canal barge carrying a scientist on holiday”.
“I can’t say more at the moment as this very worrying and matters are progressing fast. People do need to wash their hands regularly”.
Nobody from the Local Contingencies Commission was available for comment at time of going to press.
A new App has been launched in the Highlands today to track killer tick bites. These terrifying critters stalk the shores of Loch Ness and the Highlands of Scotland and some of them carry the debilitating Lyme Disease. So far, tick borne encephalitis has not been recorded in a human in the area – just as well as it is widespread in other parts of the world and can be fatal (there is no cure).
The new App will hopefully help fight against Lyme Disease and prevent the deadlier virus ever entering Scotland. Search for LymeApp on your mobile device to download the free tool.
If you suspect yo have an infected tick bite you should see a doctor without delay.
Ticks that may cause Lyme disease are found all over the UK
High-risk areas include grassy and wooded areas in southern England and the Scottish Highlands
To reduce the risk of being bitten, cover your skin, tuck your trousers into your socks, use insect repellent and stick to paths
If you are bitten, remove the tick with fine-tipped tweezers or a tick-removal tool found in chemists
Clean the bite with antiseptic or soap and water
The risk of getting ill is low as only a small number of ticks are infected with the bacteria that cause Lyme disease
You don’t need to do anything else unless you become unwell
You should go to your GP if you’ve been bitten by a tick or visited an area in the past month where infected ticks are found and you get flu-like symptoms or a circular red rash
These symptoms can include feeling hot and shivery, headaches, aching muscles or feeling sick
The tiny Highland community surrounding Loch Ness was left reeling today as Boleskine House, former home to Satanist Aleistir Crowley (once dubbed “the most evil man in the world”) burned to the ground. The 18th century Grade B listed mansion was also owned by Led Zeppelin member, Jimmy Page, who bought it for its historical connection to Crowley.
Fire crews from Inverness, Foyers, Beauly and Dingwall spent hours battling flames that seemed to rise from the depths of hell itself to overwhelm and engulf the structure, leaving acrid sulfurous fumes so overpowering that emergency personnel had to wear special breathing apparatus just to get near to the site.
Villagers got a chance for a look behind the scenes as the finishing touches are put to our spanking brand new Drumnadrochit Health Centre. It is a wonderful example of fine architecture and design – from the heated wooden floors to the low energy LED lighting, spacious naturally lit rooms and a biomass boiler heating system.
The new centre has more than enough space to cope with the existing population of Drumnadrochit, Lewiston, Milton and the outlying communities. However, plans are already on the drawing board for increased housing at the village and this new facility has a full length roof space, pre-trussed and ready to be easily converted into more accommodation as needed.
Here is a link to our old Surgery. It has served the community very well over many years but is now just too small with no possibility for incorporating modern medical advances. But we are all more than grateful for its years of good service.
If you are interested to read more about the biomass heating system, here is a link to an article with more photos inside the boiler house and the centre.
Also, while the ground was being dug in preparation for the new health centre, archaeologists uncovered a Bronze Age Cist Burial Site. You can read about that amazing discovery here.
Many thanks – as ever – to Nessie on the Net, Scotland’s Top Award Winning Loch Ness Monster Website – for hosting this blog. It’s “More Than Monstrous!” – www.lochness.co.uk
Over twenty possible victims of the Fort Augustus Abbey and Carlekemp School sexual abuse scandals have been identified by police as they research terrible details of what looks like the story of the Real Monsters of Loch Ness.
There is more about this in the Inverness Courier. Specialist police teams are investigation allegations of sex abuse by some monks dating back to the 1970s.
Clean shaven Professor Kettle spoke to us from his Loch Ness project HQ and warned visitors who suffer from pogonophobia (the fear of beards) to keep away or risk feeling queasy. “We seem to buck the UK trend when it comes to facial hair. Fortunately the women generally steer clear of beards around the loch but many monster specimens of the male denomination do exist. Some extreme examples are quite wild and unwieldy and could put an unwary tourist right off their tea. Our research reinforces the view that Neanderthal Man lived in peat bogs around Loch Ness and possibly still does.”
Dr. Pott added, “Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, is thought to be beardless and it’s heartening that the next generation have pretty much put beards to one side in favour of more sensible things like getting themselves an education. Cryptozoologists get a bad press, often because they aren’t formally qualified and cryptozoology deserves better”.
In a worrying new development, Amazon Pacu ball chomping fish have been attacking swimmers off the coast of Sweden and are now feared to be heading for Loch Ness.
The critters are cousins of piranhas and can grow large: 90 centimetres long and weighing up to 25 kgs. They are nicknamed “ball cutter” for frequent attacks on the male genitalia.
Speaking exclusively to us, eminent Professor Kettle said, “obviously my Loch Ness research project is now closely monitoring the situation and we’d advise everyone not to totally panic – but do take extra care to always wear full body swimsuits in Loch Ness and be on the look out for these fish. We want to hear from anyone who encounters them or sees suspicious activity via our sister resource site, Nessie on the Net. Please email me at Loch Ness HQ.”
Another long established and world famous Loch Ness researcher, Dr. Pott added, “needless to say, the fish have apparently made the enormous journey from the Amazon to Sweden. It’s only a comparatively short hop for them into the very hospitable nutrient and food rich waters of Loch Ness.”
Speaking about the Swedish incidents, an expert for the Danish Museum told the UK’s Daily Telegraph newspaper“The pacu is not normally dangerous to people but it has quite a serious bite, there have been incidents in other countries, such as Papua New Guinea where some men have had their testicles bitten off.”
There is more on the terrifying fish that are rampaging Sweden in the Daily Telegraph newspaper. How will cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, cope with this latest amazing phenomena? Our world leading cryptozoologists and experts will keep you posted as events unfold on the ground and in the deep and murky water.
Yup folks. Belief in The Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster has gone totally official as a Czech court upholds its followers’ religious rights to wear a salad strainer on their heads as an article of faith.
The Scottish Government, never known to be a friend of the Highlands which it regards as a milch cow to be built over by wind turbines and mega pylons is now seeking to make life for residents and visitors even worse.
A 40mph speed limit will see the journey time from Edinburgh to Inverness rise to almost four hours as motorists cannot escape the combination of average speed cameras & rolling convoys of protesting juggernauts and tractors.
Professor Kettle, speaking to us exclusively from his Loch Ness side reasearch project head quarters says, “this is a disaster. We monster hunters need this like a hole in the head”.
It’s rarely that this blog sees much to agree with in Chambers of Commerce and Tourist Associations across the Scotland and the rest of the world but praise should be given where it is due. So, it must be right for Drumnadrochit’s Association to have circulated a letter by one of its long time business members (boat skipper George Edwards) who is evidently very concerned that some local formally unqualified pseudo scientists seem intent on pushing plankton & floating wood on the public rather than looking for the Loch Ness Monster and “bigging up” the mystery.
Let’s be quite clear: People know Loch Ness around the world because of the fame of the Loch Ness Monster, not because some ageing pseudo scientists, many of whom originally came to find Nessie but personally failed to find her, now want to use captive museum audiences to push a message about microbes and worms that many probably don’t want to hear; at least not while on holiday in Nessie’s supposed home village!
Veteran monster hunter and expert George Edwards is a well respected boat skipper who has probably ferried tens of thousands of visitors out onto Loch Ness to learn about the magic of Nessie, her caves and the unknown mysteries in the deep dark loch. He is always talking up the chances of seeing Nessie and maybe one day finding her. What he doesn’t do is ape some of the debunkers by advertising his boat as a Nessie attraction and then feeding negativity about Nessie down his passengers gullets based on the non academic background of hobbyists and others. George’s approach is therefore “Nessie, I believe” rather than “Nessie, she’s not real. Thanks for your money but she’s all just fiction so have some micro worms and a floating fence post instead. Oh and here’s the gift shop on your way out”.
This debate is important for the future of Drumnadrochit and all of the businesses within it. The world is full of cynics, bitter failures and debunkers in all spheres of existence and people visiting Drumnadrochit want to experience something more akin to the magic of Lapland and Father Christmas than a sombre museum monologue on pond life.
So on this occasion well done, Drumnadrochit Chamber of Commerce and Tourist Association for taking a pro Nessie stand. But don’t let it be a flash in the pan. Strive to encourage all the museum owners to considerably up their game, consider dispensing with yesterday’s formally unqualified Nessie naysayers and start fighting for the recovery of the all important pro Nessie tourism for every business in the area.
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