The race is on to try and DNA map newly emerged ancient viral strains from bottom coring at Loch Ness.
“I have been worried that vigorous coring and reaming of the loch’s bottom could provide a route for viral agents that have long since disappeared from earth’s biosphere to resurface”, Professor Kettle told this blog. “If we can’t identify and neutralise these things then Covid 19 Coronavirus might look like a walk in the park”.
Some of the mutations discovered have now been taken to the US Centre for Extreme Toxins, close to the site of the Manhattan Project. Here they will be sealed into a glass and concrete bio containment lad 400 metres beneath the desert. Robot analysers will be used to identify and index the viruses. If a leak occurs, these mutations are considered so dangerous that a small nuclear weapon will detonate, completely destroying the laboratory and its contents. Safety is now the number one priority after Covid and Ebola have wreaked so much havoc.
“We’re taking every precaution as some of the life forms beneath Loch Ness have proved very dangerous”.
Visitors to Loch Ness have been warned not to put Nessie’s life in danger by throwing their old Covid19 face masks into the water.
Unbelievably, every year a large number of tourists dump millions of tonnes of rubbish and human waste all around and into the once pristine waters. Now Loch Ness Research Project Coordinator, Umor Raarbish has gone on the offensive: “We’ve put hidden surveillance equipment at all main areas frequented by visitors and we can monitor their littering in real time”
“Fines of up to £20,000 can be levied against any tourist who makes a mess and our message is simple: “we want your business but not a bad attitude so take your mess with you”.
Professor Kettle, who runs the scientific investigation into the Loch Ness Monster has previously warned about the dangers of avian flu killing Nessie. Dinosaurs are related to birds and Covid is another flu-like virus that puts the multi million year old plesiosaur in grave danger.
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable at time of going to press.
The Scottish government has ordered all of mainland Scotland back into full lockdown and the borders are closed. No one is permitted to be out of their homes for anything but a few reasons including buying groceries and essential medical appointments.
Obviously this leads to a quiet time for the Loch Ness Monster. She had been keeping a lower profile lately and will definitely not want to place herself at risk of catching any flu type virus.
Leader of The Loch Ness Research Project, Professor Kettle, spoke of his concerns: “I have been looking for cryptid in this loch for fifty years and this is probably the scariest set of circumstances the area has ever faced. People must keep away from the water and protect our monster from infection”.
The Scottish Environmental Protection Agency was unavailable for comment at time of publication.
It’s an odd one this but planners have applied to themselves to get their own permission to waste £100,000s of “Common Good” money on a hideous precast concrete Berlin Wall, which is to be built to obscure the shoreline of the natural and beautiful River Ness.
This monstrosity is an apparently much beloved vanity project backed by the likes of local provost Helen Carmichael (rarely to be seen not wearing her “chains of office”) and the die hard anti-art brigade are hell bent on despoiling Inverness and wasting the money even when it is desperately needed for very worthy projects to fight and alleviate Coronoavirus COVID19.
Walking into central Inverness in the Scottish Highlands near Loch Ness during what should be a busy lunchtime on a weekday. Coronavirus has turned the Capital of The Highlands of Scotland into a scene resembling a dystopian post apocalyptic nightmare.
In scenes from an apocalyptic movie, Scotland’s Capital of the Highlands, Inverness, is now a ghost city. Hardly any people are to be seen. Shops are boarded up and if a man was pulling a cart up the High Street yelling “bring out your dead” was working, it would be like the Great Plague of the 17th century.
Restaurants, takeaways, pubs, theatres, social venues, public gardens – just about everything is closed and tourists, visitors and locals are being told to stay away and stay at home.
“It’s a disaster for the Loch Ness Research Project for Internet Anomalies“, Professor Kettle told this paper. “We are doing what we can from self-isolation on our carbon fibre floating hub on Loch Ness but we have been told we must stay anchored well away from the land and have supplies sent to us by boat with social distancing maintained at all times. Obviously, if Nessie became infected then this pandemic could become much worse as the interaction of a novel virus with a Jurassic creature could cause unknown mutations”.
Locals are beginning to fear that novel coronavirus (COVID19) may have infected Nessie and possibly killed the creature(s). No credible sightings of the monster have been made since the lock-down of Scotland began a month ago.
“We know that the Loch Ness Monster is a prehistoric creature and therefore shares DNA with modern birds and animals. In fact, birds are descendants of the dinosaurs and that is why recent outbreaks of Avian Flu have also placed the cryptid at risk”, Professor Kettle – leader of the Loch Ness Investigative Research Project said.
The government has passed laws preventing tourists from visiting the Highlands of Scotland until further notice and all non-essential businesses are closed. All we can do is hope that Nessie is safe and will be seen again soon.
Our heath service and shops are already at BREAKING POINT and your visit may result in your own death or somebody else’s as supplies and facilities run out. You will be welcome again in the future but please be responsible and do not come now.
Our appeal is being bolstered by many responsible businesses already closing to visitors (including B&Bs and hostels). But where we see hotels etc. continue to open to tourists against the advice of government (who have requested “social distancing at ALL times of at least 2 metres”) we ask you to complain about them and ask your booking agent or website to cancel their accounts and to email email@example.com to complain to them and campaign for them to publish prominent advice to visitors to STAY AWAY.
We are pleased that other Tourist Agencies including North Coast 500 and Routes To The Isles are already taking action to try and persuade tourists and visitors to DO THE DECENT THING and STAY AWAY.
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