Monster Geddon Hits Loch Ness Village

You could be forgiven for expecting to hear a PA speaker bellowing out “Good Morning Vietnam” from the village green as the four horsemen of the apocalypse bring Monster Geddon to the normally quiet Loch Ness side village of Drumnadrochit.

A Great Glen sized schism seems to have opened up between believers and naysayers over the existence of our beloved Nessie and the possible impact old museums and other places have on tourism to the area if they down play her existence.

“It’s like Channel 4’s ‘Homeland’ has come to our village. Normally normal sorts of people seem to be issuing fatwas and proclaiming they have the one and only Loch Ness Monster Truth & Orthodoxy viz-a-viz Nessie”, said Professor Kettle. “I seem to see Osama Bin Laden lookalikes all over the place and with past newspaper reports of Nessie wars involving Molatov Cocktails and other shenanigans one has to wonder what on earth is happening”.

“I know the sun has made a rare appearance and people can go silly season daft but it’s a fact that nobody has ever proved the Loch Ness Monster does not exist – certainly not non scientists and Loch Ness hobbyists”.

Dr Pott has seen a theme to the madness: “There are monstrous big beasts afoot and this looks a bit like some Loch Ness sleeper cells have suddenly received an Alien Pod mind signal spurring them to denounce anyone who says Nessie is:

a) a good thing and the monster should be pedalled and promoted as a cryptozoological prehistoric beast to an adoring public, or,

b) Nessie is just a plankton stuck to a floating gate post and she doesn’t really exist.

Unwary passers-by risk getting their heads shot off by either side if they venture onto the “forbidden lawns” (ref. Arthur Daley’s “manor” in “Minder”).

A spokesperson for the silent majority told us, “I know what I’ve seen and it wasn’t a old plank some joker tossed off Urquhart Castle”.

Loch Ness Monster Sized Shambles

A Nessie the Loch Ness Monster sized mess!

Well, it had to happen. The Olympics has become nothing but a sad farce with British “jobsworth” Advertising and Standards police apparently stripping down Pepsi Cola posters in favour of Coca Cola, a main sponsor, and threatening the law against little old ladies daring to knit childrens’ teddy bears sporting the Olympic ring logo.

Now hapless security firm G4S – apparently run by Mr Bean – has come a cropper over its own ridiculous corporate anthem. You can read the lyrics and then watch the Youtube video (underneath the lyrics) here. The British Army has had to take over security at the last moment – along with the police – and even they have been told they must smile at all times and put their lunchtime potato snack crisps into a plain plastic bag (for sponsorship reasons).

The Olympics – you simply couldn’t make it up! One unholy Loch Ness Monster sized expensive horrendous omni shambles! Nessie must think it is terrible!