Loch Ness Monster asks you to Grass up the smokers

On Sunday 26th March your webmaster will be looking for smoking ban violators and reporting them to the authorities for maximum punishment. This website is committed to hurting smokers to the MAXIMUM extent permitted by law (which sadly isn;t much) and we’ll do everything we can to hurt the smokers who have spent the last thirty years trying to passively kill us.

There will be no compassion for the cancer causers from us. Take heed smokers: Your evil weed is going down!

Loch Ness Monster to be saved from passive smoking

Yes folks, it’s official! On Sunday 26th March this year the filthy and anti-social habit of smoking will be 100% banned in ALL PUBLIC places in Scotland. Take note Spain and get your act together!!! I love your tapas bars in Madrid but they are still full of stinky smokers who should all be forced out onto the streets where they belong!

Scotland follows the lead from its Celtic cousins in Eire and what a wonderful world it will be. But Nessie has noticed that there are a few nasty little places around the area that have sworn to defy the ban and break the law and that must be prevented. A short while ago the Loch Ness 2000 exhibition in Drumnadrochit (which I don’t suggest anybody bother visiting since I don’t think it’s much more than a glorified show about plankton and mud) allowed its big mobile Nessie to be dragged around the city of Inverness with a huge fag in its mouth to campaign for the ill-fated pro-smoking Publican Party (the sad losers lost their deposit, hah hah hah!) during the last general election campaign. Disgusting. Boycott them, I say!!!

Now, this website defends Nessie the Loch Ness Monster’s health and the health of locals and visitors to the area so if you see anybody smoking in a bar, restaurant or anywhere else in an enclosed public space on Sunday 26th March or any time ever after please be sure and complain to the authorities who will impose heavy fines on the smokers and massive fines on the bar or restaurant. We only want nice law-abiding and clean-smelling places in the Highlands so let us know of any violators so that we can name and shame them on this website for putting peoples’ lives at risk and ruining the environment.

If you find a smoking violation on or after the 26th March and feel aggrieved you can call 0845 130 7250 to register your complaint.

Loch Ness Monster faces threat from French flu slaughter

Worrying times for Nessie the Loch Ness Monster as avian H5N1 flu lands a few short miles away in France. Today we hear that they are butchering tens of thousands of turkeys and yet no official action has been taken to stop visitors to Loch Ness throwing their unwanted chicken take-ways into the water or the much more serious problem of egg-baiting and raw chicken tossing that the area experiences (see previous blog entries below).

We call on the authorities here to impose a ban on these activities to preserve human health and to save Nessie’s life. An old dinosaur is very vulnerable to flu from its close relatives – the birds.

Loch Ness shenanigans

Nessie the Loch Ness Monster is looking for stories about the real goings on around her home in the 1970s and 80s. There have been a lot of very dodgy people up here over the years and there still are still some very dodgy and weird goings on. If you have anything juicy to tell us please let us know as we are actively collecting these things with a view to publication. Some of our little secrets will make your hair stand on end!

White witch petitions the queen to protect Loch Ness Monster

Nessie the Loch Ness Monster has been besieged lately by various hunters intent on blowing her out of the water, harpooning her or poisoning her home. To help her out, High Priest of White witches, Kevin Carlyon, has petitioned the queen and Tony Blair. You can read more about this gallant plan in The Press and Journal here.

Loch Ness Monster’s City in Tesco Takeover

Inverness in the Scottish Highlands is a small and pretty city but shocking statistics were released a little while ago suggesting that 53% of all retail spending in it goes into the coffers of the three Tesco supermarkets. One of them is a huge hypermarket in the out-of-town development on the Aberdeen road.

Now Tesco wants to build a fourth superstore but many local people think this is too much. The High Street is already suffering as little shops go to the wall and an online petition has been set up to try to stop the development.