Official Loch Ness Monster Christmas Lights to be formally switched on

Nessie the Loch Ness Monster has her very own official Christmas lights on Meal Fuar-mhonaidh and this year they will be formally switched on tomorrow, Sunday 4th December. The impressive display consists of a large number of bright lights placed into the shape of a fir tree standing some 60 ft high on the remote mountainside. Beautiful patterns are generated with the lights by a high performance PC and the whole spectacle is visible for many miles – even from the opposite side of Loch Ness! (try driving west along the lower loch side road before Boleskine).

Loch Ness Monster urges you to fight Scottish electrical mega pylon disaster

The very heart of the Highlands is under a sustained and bloody attack. A hideous energy company is hell bent on plastering our countryside with massive metal mega pylons to remove electricity from the Scottish Highlands and take it down south towards London. It’s a modern day story of the Highland Clearances; a poor but beautiful land scarred forever and a people raped by a greedy and corrupt English government. Scotland’s landscapes will be blighted, its fragile wildlife including red kites and golden eagles killed. And for what? So that greedy shareholders and directors of Scottish Southern Electric company can grow even fatter and richer.

Wind turbines arrive at Loch Ness

Looking out of the windows of our Loch Ness project this morning, we notice three new giant wind turbines perched on top of a mountain way off in the distance (at a guess they are at least fifteen miles away but must be pretty big). This is a bit of a shock as we were not aware of planning permission being granted for any such development and we’ll have to investigate today to find out what it’s all about. Certainly there is a plan to build a huge wind farm at Dunmaglass but we are not aware that they have permission yet to proceed. Some wind power is going to be essential but this website will do its bit to make sure that everything is done strictly within the rules.

Anti-viral drug trials set to begin in bid to save Loch Ness Monster

Leading Loch Ness Monster researcher and project leader Professor Kettle will begin tests on the suitability of Tamiflu as a treatment for the aging Scottish plesiosaur. He is concerned that the large number of cases of H5N1 in the United Kingdom (at least 50 infected finches and other birds) means that it is only a matter of time until the virus enters the fragile eco system that has been home to Nessie for several million years. Dinosaurs share a great deal of DNA with today’s birds so it is more than likely that a plesiosaur will fall victim to the coming pandemic. If this happens, Tamiflu may be Nessie’s only chance to survive.

Loch Ness monster sends formal condolences to murdered Dutch sparrow

Here at the Loch Ness project offices we send formal condolences to the murdered little sparrow’s family in Holland. We condemn the profit seekers who caused this tragedy. Shame on them. We will put links to this memorial onto our livecam page on Saturday to shame the TV producers that aided this heinous act against the little innocent bird.

For those of you who haven’t seen the story, they are trying to break a record for toppling dominos in Holland. 4 million in one go. But somebody left a window open and a poor little sparrow flew in and panicked, knocking over 23,000 dominos. So they shot and killed it. 

Nessie the Loch Ness Monster needs a hat and a scarf

We can expect a few sightings of Nessie the Loch Ness Monster wearing a hat and scarf now because the big freeze has finally arrived. Temperatures at our Loch Ness project headquarters plummeted to -8.3 Celsius last night and the freeze looks set to continue. There is some hope being expressed amongst experts and water bailiffs around Loch Ness that the cold snap will deter monster hunters from throwing chickens into the loch and this in turn may keep the H5N1 influenza virus from reaching the old plesiosaur.

Professor Plume denies CIA links with Loch Ness Monster

Jury Five-Count Indictment on CIA Leaks about Valerie Plume. “I can categorically deny that I have links with Ms. Plume and have never discussed covert operations at Loch Ness or any of my secret research into alien manifestations here with anybody from the CIA”. 

Professor Plume is very keen to draw a swift line under the allegations and to move on because it is distracting his official team from vital research into the nature and habitat of the world’s oldest plesiosaur. He confirmed, “I will not be resigning as project leader at Loch Ness”.

Kanasi Huguai – Nessie has an oriental cousin, China’s Loch Ness Monster

Just when we all thought there was only one old plesiosaur left in the world, news has arrived of Nessie’s relative in China. Kanasi Huguai lives in Lake Kanasi. This beautiful and remote lake is 200,000 years old, about 15 miles long and a mile wide. It is over 4,000 feet up in the Kanasi nature reserve in Xinjiang’s northernmost tip, where China, Mongolia, Russia and Kazakhstan come together in snow peaked mountains. The lake is about 150 feet less deep than Loch Ness.

Leading Loch Ness project leader Professor Plume has said that he is “very excited” by the news and will be speaking to Chinese academics and colleagues about the monster very soon. It is understood that an official request for his help and expertise may be made. The professor, a world-leading volcanologist and cryptozoologist, is particularly keen to discover the processes that have allowed plesiosaurs to reach a high mountain lake, where tunnels linking it to the sea (such as those that exist at Loch Ness) seem impossible.

Infected bird flu man arrives on French soil. We are all going to die!

Virus Protection

This website is calling upon the Loch Ness coastguard to enforce a ban on throwing chickens into Loch Ness and to take action to prevent “egg-baiting”, a common activity amongst visiting monster hunters. An egg-baiter is a device constructed from wood, fishing line and lead shot. Several raw eggs in which small holes have been drilled are attached and the whole rig moored just off shore in the loch. The eggs float just below the service and slowly release their contents into the water, attracting the plesiosaur and eel populations. 

Normally egg baiting presents no danger to Loch Ness or Nessie, her monster (although the lead shot has caused some concerns in the past) but the EU has just warned that raw eggs and chicken may pass on fatal avian H5N1 flu to humans and it is already known that dinosaurs are closely related to their avian cousins (see below).

These are very worrying times at Loch Ness and so far the authorities appear to have behaved appallingly slowly.

Bird Flu Arrives in Britain – everyone will die!

Saturday and they’ve just told us that an infected parrot has brought bird flu to the UK. Nessie the Loch Ness Monster is in big trouble now because dinosaurs are the ancestors of birds and therefore it won’t take much to infect her.

Steps have been taken to stop people throwing chickens into Loch Ness (a very common pastime enjoyed by many visitors to the area as they try to get Nessie to grab the bait) but wild birds are a much bigger problem.

We can only hope that the virus doesn’t spread this far north…