White witch petitions the queen to protect Loch Ness Monster

Nessie the Loch Ness Monster has been besieged lately by various hunters intent on blowing her out of the water, harpooning her or poisoning her home. To help her out, High Priest of White witches, Kevin Carlyon, has petitioned the queen and Tony Blair. You can read more about this gallant plan in The Press and Journal here.

Loch Ness Monster’s City in Tesco Takeover

Inverness in the Scottish Highlands is a small and pretty city but shocking statistics were released a little while ago suggesting that 53% of all retail spending in it goes into the coffers of the three Tesco supermarkets. One of them is a huge hypermarket in the out-of-town development on the Aberdeen road.

Now Tesco wants to build a fourth superstore but many local people think this is too much. The High Street is already suffering as little shops go to the wall and an online petition has been set up to try to stop the development.

Thanks!

Loch Ness Monster living in fear of bearded Taleban-style fundamentalists

News has emerged that Nessie the Loch Ness Monster is living in fear of a bearded Taleban-style regime that seems sworn to make people give up their own beliefs that she exists and is alive and well in Scotland. “It really isn’t fair”, said Nessie. “I have been living in Loch Ness since the last ice age and yet some much fresher upstarts think they can just grow a beard, put on a serious face and a mock-posh accent and tell my followers that I am not real. Personally I think they are a bunch of formally unqualified, bearded fundamentalist Taleban look-alikes who are hell-bent on imposing their own quasi-religious, pseudo-scientific anti-Nessie claptrap on my followers. So I’m asking all my friends out there to rebel against them and to boycott them and make sure the world knows that I do exist. Just ask all the people who have seen me with their own eyes!

Nessie the Loch Ness Monster nearly chased by government dolphins!

Civil servants working under the Thatcher government in Whitehall drew up plans to track down Nessie the Loch Ness Monster with dolphins. New documents released under the Freedom of Information Act reveal that the truth is stranger than fiction!

From today’s Sunday Times: “Now declassified government files, released under the Freedom of Information Act, reveal that the government was prepared to incur the wrath of animal rights groups in its quest to establish the truth about the monster. 

This was reported in The Times.

Loch Ness Monster ‘bomb’ grounds airline

In a terrible echo of 911 and the 7/7 bombings Inverness Airport became the latest place to be involved in a full scale terrorist alert. A man carrying a bag with a fluffy Nessie in it claimed it was a bomb. The easyJet flight at Inverness was stormed by armed police and the man was taken into custody…Read more in the Daily Record.

This website hopes the idiot involved is given jail time and sued by the airline for the £25,000 they reportedly lost. We’d also encourage every other passenger who lost money to sue him as well. Flying is nerve wracking enough without these fools.