Loch Ness Monster says “I am not an elephant”

Dr. Neil Clarke of the University of Glasgow has cracked a great new theory about Nessie: She’s an elephant from the circus having a bath in Loch Ness!!! Well, aficionados of this website don’t need telling that this is a lot of hogwash (excuse the pun) and a cursory look at the facts leads us to the conclusion that Nessie is a plesiosaur, pre and simple.

1. Loch Ness is actually many miles from Inverness. So if a circus was visiting they’d have to cart their elephants miles for a swim. Not likely.

2. If a circus elephant was swimming in Loch Ness one would expect its human minders to be with it (I mean, would you let your pet swim off on its own?!) There would also be colourful circus-like trailers parked all over the place. People SO would notice!

3. The waters in Loch Ness NEVER rise above 5 degrees centigrade and that’s way-to-cold for elephant baths.

No, nice try but it is clear that Nessie is a plesiosaur.

Loch Ness Monster asks you to Grass up the smokers

On Sunday 26th March your webmaster will be looking for smoking ban violators and reporting them to the authorities for maximum punishment. This website is committed to hurting smokers to the MAXIMUM extent permitted by law (which sadly isn;t much) and we’ll do everything we can to hurt the smokers who have spent the last thirty years trying to passively kill us.

There will be no compassion for the cancer causers from us. Take heed smokers: Your evil weed is going down!

Loch Ness Monster to be saved from passive smoking

Yes folks, it’s official! On Sunday 26th March this year the filthy and anti-social habit of smoking will be 100% banned in ALL PUBLIC places in Scotland. Take note Spain and get your act together!!! I love your tapas bars in Madrid but they are still full of stinky smokers who should all be forced out onto the streets where they belong!

Scotland follows the lead from its Celtic cousins in Eire and what a wonderful world it will be. But Nessie has noticed that there are a few nasty little places around the area that have sworn to defy the ban and break the law and that must be prevented. A short while ago the Loch Ness 2000 exhibition in Drumnadrochit (which I don’t suggest anybody bother visiting since I don’t think it’s much more than a glorified show about plankton and mud) allowed its big mobile Nessie to be dragged around the city of Inverness with a huge fag in its mouth to campaign for the ill-fated pro-smoking Publican Party (the sad losers lost their deposit, hah hah hah!) during the last general election campaign. Disgusting. Boycott them, I say!!!

Now, this website defends Nessie the Loch Ness Monster’s health and the health of locals and visitors to the area so if you see anybody smoking in a bar, restaurant or anywhere else in an enclosed public space on Sunday 26th March or any time ever after please be sure and complain to the authorities who will impose heavy fines on the smokers and massive fines on the bar or restaurant. We only want nice law-abiding and clean-smelling places in the Highlands so let us know of any violators so that we can name and shame them on this website for putting peoples’ lives at risk and ruining the environment.

If you find a smoking violation on or after the 26th March and feel aggrieved you can call 0845 130 7250 to register your complaint.

Loch Ness Monster faces threat from French flu slaughter

Worrying times for Nessie the Loch Ness Monster as avian H5N1 flu lands a few short miles away in France. Today we hear that they are butchering tens of thousands of turkeys and yet no official action has been taken to stop visitors to Loch Ness throwing their unwanted chicken take-ways into the water or the much more serious problem of egg-baiting and raw chicken tossing that the area experiences (see previous blog entries below).

We call on the authorities here to impose a ban on these activities to preserve human health and to save Nessie’s life. An old dinosaur is very vulnerable to flu from its close relatives – the birds.

Blogging it as it is

New political Loch Ness Monster blog: Yes I’ve set up an all new Blog at our sister site Quangobustersbecause I am heartily sick of just about everyone and anyone to do with politics. It’s been a mean old month in Scotland and Europe and it doesn’t show must chance of getting better. Blogs are evidently the only way that anybody with common sense can get their message across these days.

Loch Ness shenanigans

Nessie the Loch Ness Monster is looking for stories about the real goings on around her home in the 1970s and 80s. There have been a lot of very dodgy people up here over the years and there still are still some very dodgy and weird goings on. If you have anything juicy to tell us please let us know as we are actively collecting these things with a view to publication. Some of our little secrets will make your hair stand on end!