Category: Uncategorized

Doctor Who materialises at Loch Ness as LHC goes pop

by Mikko on Wed 31 Mar 2010 10:40 BST

Yesterday history was made in two places: Firstly, the last of the Time Lords materialised in his Tardis at Loch Ness. He arrived with his new assistant who was actually born in Inverness (although we are not sure if it is the Inverness in this dimension or another…)

It was an exciting day as his arrival coincided with a second piece of history making – the first ever successful collision of particles at near light speed in the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) based near Geneva. However, things did not go completely as hoped as neither the long sought Higgs Boson particle (the fundamental part of everything) or Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster made an appearance.

Speaking from his Loch Ness project Professor Kettle said he hoped to ask the Doctor’s views about possibilities that Nessie is actually an inter-dimensional species as this would explain how she is able to travel to and from Loch Ness. “It will be fantastic to speak with somebody with so much knowledge of Galactic Time Travel and may give us a whole new avenue of research. Imagine the possibilities for cryptozoology if we find that Nessie comes through a door from a parallel universe”.

Dr Who is currently in his 11th body. His new assistant, Karen Gillan, is looking forward to showing him around her home city.

Highland councillors breathe sigh of relief and keep monster benefits

by Mikko on Tue 30 Mar 2010 09:58 BST

Highland councillors breathed a huge sigh of relief yesterday as Britain’s sleazy and corrupt “honourable and right honourable” members of Parliament maneuvered to keep their snouts deeply in the tax-payer funded trough.

Sources close to one councillor said, “they are so overcome with joy that they are planning a a private invitation only party at Loch Ness (on expenses of course) to celebrate their victory over ordinary, decent hard working people”.

The councillor was quite unapologetic and continued, “it’s just great news. We only became councillors to get our snouts in the trough and this means we can give ourselves even more perks – more free lunches with expensive champagne, more free hospitality and five star VIP treatment as we travel abroad on first class to see how our foreign counterparts are manging to fiddle their own electorates out of as much money as possible”.

Staff at Professor Kettle’s Loch Ness project were less than impressed. Said one, “we work twenty hours per day for a pittance to try and find Nessie, the area’s elusive cryptid, and it’s sickening to see the corrupt councillors swanning about in expensive cars and generally rubbing our noses in it”. But another councillor dismissed these comments and said, “they are just jealous and sour that we get all the perks while they do all the work.”

Nessie – the Loch Ness Monster in possible art hoax bombshell

by Mikko on Fri 26 Mar 2010 21:14 GMT

Shock and outrage has been expressed by many people living and working around Loch Ness as news broke today that the charcoal drawing by Dutch artist Maurits Cornelis Escher maybe nothing more than an audacious international art “scam”.

Certain art punters have dubbed the work as the “Loch Ness monster and black man without a face” but the managing director of the company that licences all of the artist’s work is dismissive. Mark Veldhusen, managing director of the MC Escher Company B.V. of Baarn in the Netherlands, told The Highland News that “no-one had ever contacted his company or M.C. Escher Foundation which promotes Escher’s work about the ‘so-called piece of art'”.

“This drawing is not made by M.C. Escher and the signature on the back does not belong to Mr. Escher” he added.

Professor Kettle, in charge of his Loch Ness project said, “it’s very distressing to learn that some people may be behind a scam or attempt to mis-lead people about the elusive Loch Ness Monster. Nessie is a real cryptozoological beast (cryptid) and serious research to find her continues. We will not be sidetracked by this tittle tattle”.

Loch Ness Monster horror as airline goes bust

by Mikko on Fri 26 Mar 2010 09:17 GMT

Hard on the heals of Flybe’s termination of the essential Inverness – Edinburgh flights and national UK rail strikes set to start on 6th April, the Highlands has been left reeling by the collapse of Highland Airways. Serving Benbecula, Coll, Colonsay, Inverness, Oban, Stornoway and Tiree, the loss of this airline leaves a gaping hole in the Scottish Highlands and Islands.

Speaking from his Loch Ness project base, Professor Kettle said, “we’re getting really concerned. Colleagues and essential supplies for our research are finding it difficult to get here. There is every chance that our attempts to find Nessie will be scuppered if problems carry on escalating”.

Loch Ness Monster mayhem as rail strikes called

by Mikko on Thu 25 Mar 2010 19:07 GMT

Loch Ness has been thrown into chaos as unions have called all out UK rail strikes from 6th April. If you are travelling around this time then be sure and check what’s happening or your trip might become monstrous.

Nessie is furious that people may not be able to travel to visit and researchers based in the area are also fuming at the disruption that will be caused to their various Loch Ness projects.

Body blow to Loch Ness tourism as prime air route axed

by Mikko on Wed 24 Mar 2010 13:37 GMT

Loch Ness and the Highlands have been dealt a body blow as Flybe announced that it will axe the critical Inverness – Edinburgh air route at the end of this week. That’s right, if you want to visit Loch Ness or look for the monster or enjoy the beautiful Highlands you can only get from Edinburgh by a three and a half hour bus ride on the dangerously potholed A9 or on a very expensive and slow train.

This is yet another disaster and we demand something is done about it.

Highland Councillors deny seeking to “rent themselves out like taxis”

by Mikko on Mon 22 Mar 2010 10:32 GMT
It’s being called the Tartan Taxi-gate: As senior government ex-ministers including Stephen Byers spoke to an undercover Sunday Times journalist and said he was available for rent “like a taxi” to lobby government for a fee of £5000 per day, Highland Councillors have denied that they also want some of the lucrative action for themselves.
Already exposed for slashing and burning key programs like elderly care and help for the homeless, Highland Councillors instead voted to continue to give themselves a huge daily three course lunch – free of charge. Now the Highland Hungry Bellies are looking for even more ways to make money off the back of their “service to the community” including lavish international “fact finding holidays” (sorry “missions”).
The Highlands may be falling off a cliff as services are cut and roads disappear into potholes but the Hungry Bellies will always be sure to expand one thing – their personal girth.

Highland Planning Plunge

by Mikko on Mon 22 Mar 2010 10:26 GMT

Applications for planning consent have plunged 24% between 2007 and 2009 with Aberdeen down by 28%. This all shows that the economy is still locked in a desperate recession with no light showing at the end of the tunnel. The green shoots – if there were any – have been killed off by the worst winter in 30 years and, greedy Highland Councillors aside, everyone is suffering.

Visit Scotland of course is in its home country of cloud cuckoo land – where everything is always better than last year and everybody has rose tinted spectacles.It looks ever more silly as an organisation and should be scrapped.

Two thirds of Invernessians Think Highland Capital is a Carbuncle

by Mikko on Sun 21 Mar 2010 09:52 GMT

The Inverness Courier asked its readers “Does Inverness deserve its nomination as an architectural “carbuncle”? and so far 69% have voted yes! This comes after millions have been wasted on a scheme called Inverness Streetscape and must call into question the whole mechanism whereby decisions about the once beautiful old city are made.

Put in a nutshell, the streetscape scheme is a disgraceful flop that is now hated by many and £1 million over budget and its not even finished. In fact, thousands of £s more were also wasted on “street art” whereby graffiti artists were invited to spray rubbish of any kind onto the walls of vacant retail units. Some was vandalised or even used as open toilets by people leaving pubs and clubs.

Apart from voting themselves ever bigger living allowances and magnificent – and free – three course lunches (available to councillors everyday) the people elected to look after this area really don’t seem to know or care what goes on.

A Loch Ness Monstrosity to upset Nessie the monster?

by Mikko on Thu 18 Mar 2010 11:19 GMT

Now there is another plan for a new loch side complex mooted by a local exhibition centre but it appears to be a spoiler for the much needed and sensibly planned Jacobite Cruises development at Brackla and one must hope that it is quietly forgotten as an early, if tasteless, April Fools joke.

However, were it ever to be presented as an actual plan, which seems very doubtful, this scheme will be met with the most unyielding and rigorous national and international opposition campaign possible; every element of it will be subjected to public scrutiny and painstaking analysis to ensure that the more important interests of the very sensitive landscape and the community as a whole are protected along with those of hard pressed smaller businesses.

Obviously the track record of the applicant must also be carefully scrutinised. This scheme is in an inappropriate area for commercial exploitation by any sort of “tartan tat” or “fluffy Nessie” emporium and yet it is proposed by a company that seems to exist by catering to exactly that market. The Loch Ness Exhibition would appear to lack any track record for what Mr Bremner calls “safe and appropriate” development which is “entirely appropriate to the location.” One only has to look at the huge heaps of “tartan tat” and “fluffy Nessies” that confront customers at Mr Bremner’s existing exhibition and the onsite architectural monstrosity, the Drumnadrochit Hotel, to see that such an aberration cannot be allowed to be developed on the shores of the loch. Even for those who like such things, the market is already more than over supplied.

This scheme, were it to go ahead, would also put an end to any hope the Loch Ness area has of becoming a UN World Heritage Site – a designation which would help to safeguard the fragility of the unique environment (something we all know that we must carefully consider these days) and the interests of the local community as a whole.

As to the number of “jobs” created, we have seen ludicrous numbers put to these kinds of schemes before. Because we are now much better informed through long experience of past schemes (and also have to hand the history of such claims as well as access to things like Investor in People statistics etc.), it will be easy to turn the microscope onto the substance behind any details which are presented along with every other element of this particular scheme.

Unfortunately, left unbridled, there are some developers who would happily see power boat water skiing brought to Loch Ness, which is why inappropriate development or commercial exploitation of any sort must be blocked at every turn and we shall play our part to the best of our ability to protect this beautiful place.

We will keep you updated…