The Hanging Gardens of Inverness

The Hanging Gardens of Inverness
The Hanging Gardens of Inverness

Everyone has heard of The Hanging Gardens of Babylon but Highland Council is excited to promote a new tourist attract next to its Rose Street Car Park (you’ll have to pay-and-display an exorbitant fee to see them).

Parking for Hanging Gardens Inverness
Parking for Hanging Gardens Inverness

It was hoped the local provost would cut a ribbon in front of the press but unfortunately she was unfortunately unavailable for comment. However, a spokesperson for The Silent Majority – a leading and vociferous group within the area – told The Loch Ness Free Press, “this is a major new attraction that rivals anything any other city has to offer. It is also eco-friendly as the vegetation performs a vital role scrubbing CO2 out of the atmosphere”.

Loch Ness Debunkers Debunked

A lot of 1960s and 1970s Loch Ness Monster hunters are now bitter and sour geriatrics determined to poo poo new attempts to find the elusive Nessie.

Bearded pseudo science
Bearded pseudo science

Fortunately Professor Kettle’s Loch Ness Research Project is finding more evidence everyday and will continue its efforts until the prehistoric creature(s) is found.

Working closely with Mikko Takala and his Nessie on the Net Website and Loch Ness LiveCams, the science will take us all to the truth.

Ebola Loch Ness?

We’re no sure what is happening around Loch Ness but there have been a number of people in bio hazard suits seen taking samples around the area. When approached these people mumble “national security” and refuse to answer any questions. It is known that a lot of visitors have been using surrounding woodlands as toilet areas, particularly since Highland Council introduced a 50p charge for village toilets in Drumnadrochit.

Bio hazard
Bio Loch Ness Hazard

The catastrophe follows a period a few years ago in which thousands of tourists and others were seen throwing dead chickens into the loch. There was widespread concern at the time that Avian Flue could kill Nessie as dinosaurs are known to be the ancestors of today’s birds.

Fortunately the chicken craze has dwindled but now something more deadly may be in the water or surrounding areas. We have managed to gain some insight since an anonymous whistle blower contacted Professor Kettle of The Loch Ness Research Project. He said, “we have found a virus and are evaluating its danger to the public. It is believed to have accidentally been released from a research laboratory and travelled to the Loch Ness area on board a Caledonian Canal barge carrying a scientist on holiday”.

“I can’t say more at the moment as this very worrying and matters are progressing fast. People do need to wash their hands regularly”.

Nobody from the Local Contingencies Commission was available for comment at time of going to press.

Will Inverness Provost Get Her Own Chain to Wear When She Leaves Office? Also, it’s official: Highland Council is “mad, bad and sad”.

Locals often engage in the hilarious “spot the provost in her chain” game in Inverness. The particular councilor sometimes seems to try and get half a dozen photos of herself in various poises in the same edition of the local paper. It is a bit like watching the joker mayor in the film “Carry on Girls”, only in his case the hapless guy in the chain-of-office got photo’d every time his trousers fell down.

Pothole
Provost Chain of Office Trumps The Potholes

Now an anonymous American donor is rumoured to be considering buying a full size copy chain-of-office to give to the self styled first lady of the town so that she can wear it after she loses election (hopefully as soon as possible since Highland Council is a ramshackle shambles) or retires. That way she can continue to wear it pretty much all the time, just like she appears to now.

If you spot Inverness provost in her chain doing the shopping at her local supermarket, don’t laugh. Apparent vanity is a debilitating condition and we hope she gets better soon.

In separate developments a Highland Councilor has quit the shambolic local authority stating it is now just “the mad, the bad, and the sad” . Well done , Inverness Councillor Richard Laird – we couldn’t agree more. Read it all here.

A Location App That Could Save Your Life With Three Words – What3Words

We’re always suspicious of claims made for this and that but if you’re setting off on a hike, ride, boating or climbing around Loch Ness (or anywhere else in the world) then please consider loading up “What 3 Words” App onto your phone.

It is genius (and free!). The boffins have split the world into trillions of tiny squares and the App changes your complicated latitude and longitude into a unique combination of three words, which you can give to anybody – including the emergency services – who need to find *exactly* where you are. Even the police are urging folk to use it.

We use it, give it a try – and read more about it on the BBC.

What3Words website is here.

Loch Ness Swimmer and alleged multiple rapist reappears in court and says “sorry” for jumping bail

Inverness alleged rapist  held in jail
Inverness alleged rapist held in jail

Kim Gordon aka Ken Gordon aka Kim Vincent Avis etc. was once described by Highland Council as a “great ambassador for Inverness”. Now, after being charged in Scotland with 24 counts of alleged rape and sexual assault of women and children plus assault, lewd behaviour and skipping bail he was finally re-captured in the USA by US Marshals – he had apparently faked his own death to avoid justice.

He has now been extradited back to Scotland and was remanded into custody pending new charges by the judge, to whom Avis apparently said apologised for doing a runner!

You can read much more here about the alleged Loch Ness Monster.

Stunning Loch Ness Helicopter Rescue

Locals were stunned today as a large mountain rescue helicopter hovered above a Loch Ness mountain and a member of crew winched down to rescue and unidentified individual.

Loch Ness Mission
Loch Ness Mission

“I was searching the area for evidence that Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, had recently traveled through it”, Loch Ness Research Project Leader Professor Kettle said. “Suddenly this helicopter was very close and we realised something very bad had happened”.

It is unclear what took place but the government has never denied local information that the site is regularly used for secret purposes like the Plague Islands that lie off the Hebrides.

Secret Mission Zone
Secret Mission Zone

From time to time, strange night lights and radio waves are detectable at this Area51 zone by Loch Ness.

There have been many officially logged UFO reports by locals and visitors to Inveness, Drumnadrochit and Foyers.

The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment.

Loch Ness Swimmer and Alleged Rapist, Kim Avis (aka Kim Gordon) Extradited Back to Scotland

Inverness Street Busker Fugitive
Inverness Street Busker Fugitive

US Marshals captured the Inverness busker who skipped bail instead of attending Edinburgh High Court a and fled to the USA, allegedly faked his own death and went on the run as a fugitive.

Kim or Kem is wanted for 24 alleged offenses including rapes, child sex assault, lewd behaviour and other serious matters. He was flown back to Scotland on Friday to face justice. Read more in The Inverness Courier.