In the southern state of Louisiana in the USA, school pupils will be taught that the Loch Ness Monster is real in an attempt to dispute Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution.
Speaking from his Loch Ness side project, Professor Kettle stated, “we are very excited about this development. It shows that people around the world are keen to find out the truth about the prehistoric creature living in this massive murky world”.
Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, has been seen dozens of times over the years and millions of people have visited the area with the hope of catching a glimpse of the elusive creature. Many cryptozoologists speculate that Nessie is in fact one of a large family of dinosaurs that navigate between the deep oceans and Loch Ness each year.
The Dalai Lama made a rare appearance at Eden Court in Inverness today. He was greeted by thousands of well wishers and expressed his own wish to see Loch Ness. Nessie, the monster did not attend events today as she is resting before the holiday season.
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment.
Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, has been shocked to learn that the NASA Moon Landings are, in fact, a complete hoax. Professor Kettle, speaking from his Loch Ness research project said, “the evidence is all presented here. It is overwhelming”.
The research team at Loch Ness has discovered new bottom feeders in Loch Ness. The tiny microbes ingest sulphuric acid released from the thermal vents formed by the active Great Glen fault line.
“We are absolutely stunned by our new findings”, Professor Kettle told waiting reporters outside his Loch Ness Research project facility. “My colleague Dr. Pott will be taking further readings but it is clear that the microbes here are very similar to those found in South American volcanoes and surely proves beyond reasonable doubt that life exists on other moons and planets.
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment at time of going to press.
The Olympic torch (or, whichever one is fabled to be alight at any precise moment – apparently the “mother ship” aka an old Transit van bringing up the rearguard relights it when it goes out) arrived and left Loch Ness to little interest. Certainly Nessie, the famous monster, was nowhere to be seen having very sensibly chosen to stay at home well beneath the waves on the day.
UK citizens have been very upset that the games now represent little more than the worst aspects of over-the-top commercial sponsorship with global mega-companies (some of which don’t spring to mind as obvious “healthy” lifestyle choices) taking over everything to the exclusion of everyone else.
The used torches are also for sale to the bearers at a small price and it has widely been reported that some are turning up in online auctions across the UK for outrageous prices. It all makes the whole sorry spectacle leaving an even more sour taste.
Well, the good news is that the circus has now left town and serious Loch Ness researchers like Professor Kettle can settle down and get on with the important work of cryptozoological research.
Drumnadrochit elders have been quick to dismiss reports that the Olympic Torch is to be carried along its path today by elderly men with massive beards they have doused in petrol and set on fire in a desperate bid to draw more attention to themselves. “It is simply not true that this wonderful thing has been hijacked by a bunch of self-appointed self-publicists keen to milk the event for all its worth”, a spokesperson for The Silent Majority told us.
Well, that is a major relief. Nessie, our famous Loch Ness Monster, has enough trouble with formally unqualified pseudo scientists already and really doesn’t need the hassle of Zimmer frame aided burning beard “expeditionistas” creating even more mayhem!
It seems that Nessie is not a great one for all the pomp and circumstance surrounding the queen’s royal flotilla. She kept her head down today and refused to make an appearance. There are very real concerns amongst Nessie researchers that she will be greatly affected by noisy fireworks in nearby Inverness but we are not unduly concerned as once it’s all over and something like reality returns Nessie will be back! She has, after all, survived a massive meteorite strike in the Jurassic era, multiple ice ages and two world wars. She’s tough!
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