Professor Kettle’s update on Loch Ness Monster and cryptozoological research

by Mikko on Mon 12 Apr 2010 21:06 BST
Saturday was an exciting day for Professor Kettle’s Loch Ness project as the team were able to test the latest enhancements to their hydrophonic detection array and early results were encouraging. We hope to have a copy of the sounds they discovered available here very shortly and we expect a considerable improvement on the previous recordings (listen here).

Professor Kettle explained about some of the problems his team faces: “Nessie is an unknown cryptid and for that reason we don’t yet know which range of accoustic frequencies she may emit, either through diving or by communication with other creatures. Therefore we have to scan through a broad range and that’s both difficult and time consuming.”

The depth of Loch Ness is another challenge. “The cable connecting our arrays is over a kilometer long so we need multiple signal amplifiers in addition to the hydrophones themselves. The tremendous weight causes us many problems and we often suffer equipment breakage”.

Despite the challenges the team is convinced it is getting the results the world wants. Dr. Pott said, “we are hearing things never heard before and as we analyse what we’ve got I’m pretty sure it will greatly assist identification of the Loch Ness Monster”.


Loch Ness swelters in warmer weather than the mediterranean

by Mikko on Sun 11 Apr 2010 22:02 BST
High temperatures and glorious sunshine continued throughout Sunday as Loch Ness enjoyed warmer weather than London and the med. The temperature hit 20 Celsius (70 Farenheit). The good weather is set to continue all week so it’s a fine time for spotting Nessie.

Check out Loch Ness weather here ( a Farenheit version is here). Tomorrow Professor Kettle will be updating us with the latest cryptozoological research from his lochside location. It is hoped that the warm spell will encorage the beast to make one of her rare appearances.


Loch Ness area has hottest day this year

by Mikko on Sat 10 Apr 2010 21:34 BST
The area around Loch Ness emjoyed the sunniest hottest day of the year so far today with temperatures reaching 16 – 17 Celsius (61 – 65 Farenheit). Sadly nobody saw Nessie the monster sunbathing but, with good weather predicted for the next few days, Professor Kettle and his Loch Ness project will be out on the water carrying out photo and sonar scans to try to find the cryptid.

The professor said, “we believe that Nessie is a plesiosaur type creature so warm/hot weather is likely to bring her to the surface of the loch. We also look towards the many visitors to the area – both on the shore and out on the water – to keep their eyes peeled for the beast and to alert us immediately of any sightings.”

“Finding Nessie would be a sensation in the world of cryptozoology and beyond”, he added.


Loch Ness Monster Nessie in April Fools Plot

by Mikko on Fri 09 Apr 2010 20:10 BST
Organisations including the BBC fell for an elaborate April Fools prank last week and, according to the Highland News, even emeritus professor of chemistry and science studies at Virginia State University in the USA, Professor Henry H Bauer was caught out.

The spoof story cited plans for a new floating sea plane terminal on Loch Ness designed by Italian designer, Rolf Lapio and objections from a pressure group called “Flights Off Our Loch”. The people taken in by it all failed to notice it was April the first and that Rolf Lapio is an anagram of “April Fool”. Also the pressure groups initials read FOOL.

All good fun but Professor Kettle spoke of his concerns from his Loch Ness project. He said, “I can see the humour here but serious research into the cryptozoology of this loch continues and we cannot be sidetracked from our search for the world’s most elusive cryptid”.

Dr Pott remarked that he was concerned that the public might take Nessie as a joke. “The monster is real and we are getting close to final proof”.


Nessie desperate as monster Loch Ness hydro power scheme looms again

by Mikko on Tue 06 Apr 2010 13:16 BST
The Loch Ness Monster is once again in peril as the failed hydro electric plant at Glendoe is to be repaired. It’s Europe’s largest power generating system of its kind (water is pumped in tunnels buried deep underground to take water from a reservoir in the Monadliath mountains to massive turbines by Loch Ness and back again).

The queen officially opened the scheme last year but it suffered a catastrophic failure just a few weeks later when a massive rockfall blocked the subterranean tunnel. It’s been closed ever since but now two more by-pass tunnels are to be dug and it may restart operations next year.

Professor Kettle, speaking from his Loch Ness project, said “we are very concerened. Both the massive drilling machine and the huge turbines make a humming sound and vibrations that may affect our elusive cryptid in the loch. We will be monitoring the situation very closely. Nessie is protected by an official Act of Parliament and must be protected”.

For more information about this hydro plant click here.


Nessie the Loch Ness Monster gears up for election

by Mikko on Mon 05 Apr 2010 19:40 BST
Nessie, The Loch Ness Monster is as excited as the rest of the country as Britain prepares for a general election – likely to be called by the Prime Minister when he goe to Buckingham palace to ask the queen to dissolve parliament tomorrow. That would mean that Nessie is likely to be seen on 6th May as she makes her way to the local ballot box in Drumnadrochit to cast her vote.

Nessie’s voting intentions are not known but at least this time she will not be humiliated by the Publican Party who were set up by a bunch of pub landlords angry at the cigarette smoking ban in Scotland. They got a local Nessie emporium to let them trundle a large model of our beloved cryptid around the locality – with a huge cigarette hanging out of her mouth. What a disgrace that was.

We’ll have to wait and see who wins the election but whoever it is, life will only get harder for us all here as the government takes our cash to give it to the millionairre bankers. They need ever bigger bonuses for the great work they do wreaking our economy.


Visiting Drumnadrochit and Loch Ness?

by Mikko on Sat 03 Apr 2010 09:53 BST
Well, you’ve taken the plunge and decided to visit Loch Ness to see its monster, Nessie…. What’s worth doing and what isn’t?

I definitely don’t recommend going to either of the Loch Ness exhibitions in the village. If you really feel you must then I’d suggest opting for “The Original” Loch Ness exhibition (make sure you have the correct one, it’s on the road to Beauly and Cannich NOT on the A82. The other exhibition seems to have several names ranging between Loch Ness 2000 and The Loch Ness Exhibition. It’s on the A82 on the right as you arrive in the village from Inverness. I don’t recommend it because it seems only to want to seek to prove that Nessie is a myth and that she doesn’t exist. On the other hand if you only want to know about a few worms that live in the muck at the bottom of the loch and the mutterings of a formally unqualified naturalist on the matter, then this is possibly the right place for you.

Urquhart Castle: it’s a shame they were allowed to build the visitor centre where it is but now that it’s there it has an informative and well presented exhibtion and you can get some lovely photos of the loch and the castle. The water by the castle is the deepest part of Loch Ness and the monster is seen there more than anywhere else!

For boat cruises we suggest Loch Ness Cruises. They have the red and white boat in Temple Pier and you can contact them through their website.


Doctor Who materialises at Loch Ness as LHC goes pop

by Mikko on Wed 31 Mar 2010 10:40 BST
Yesterday history was made in two places: Firstly, the last of the Time Lords materialised in his Tardis at Loch Ness. He arrived with his new assistant who was actually born in Inverness (although we are not sure if it is the Inverness in this dimension or another…)

It was an exciting day as his arrival coincided with a second piece of history making – the first ever succesful collision of particles at near light speed in the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) based near Geneva. However, things did not go completely as hoped as neither the long sought Higgs Boson particle (the fundamental part of everything) or Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster made an appearance.

Speaking from his Loch Ness project Professor Kettle said he hoped to ask the Doctor’s views about possibilities that Nessie is actually an inter-dimensional species as this would explain how she is able to travel to and from Loch Ness. “It will be fantastic to speak with somebody with so much knowledge of Galactic Time Travel and may give us a whole new avenue of research. Imagine the possibilities for cryptozoology if we find that Nessie comes through a door from a parallel universe”.

Dr Who is currently in his 11th body and his new assistant, Karen Gillan, is looking forward to showing him aound her city.


Highland councillors breathe sigh of relief and keep monster benefits

by Mikko on Tue 30 Mar 2010 09:58 BST
Highland councillors breathed a huge sigh of relief yesterday as Britain’s sleazy and corrupt “honourable and right honourable” members of Parliament manouvered to keep their snouts deeply in the tax-payer funded trough. Sources close to one councillor said, “they are so overcome with joy that they are planning a a private invitation only party at Loch Ness (on expenses of course) to celebrate their victory over ordinary, decent hard working people.

One coucillor was quite unapologetic and said, “it’s just geat news. We only became councillors to get our snouts in the trough and this means we can give ourselves even more perks – more free lunches with expensive champagne, more free hospitality and five star VIP treatment as we travel abroad on first class to see how our counterparts are manging to fiddle their own electorates out of as much money as possible”.

Staff at Professor Kettle’s Loch Ness project were less than impressed. Said one, “we work twenty hours per day for a pittance to try and find Nessie, the area’s elusive cryptid, and it’s sickening to see the corrupt councillors swanning about in expensive cars and generally rubbing our noses in it”. But another councillor dismissed these comments and said, “they are just jealous and sour that we get all the perks while they do all the work.”


Nessie – the Loch Ness Monster in possible art hoax bombshell

by Mikko on Fri 26 Mar 2010 21:14 GMT
Shock and outrage has been expressed by many people living and working around Loch Ness as news broke today that the charcoal drawing by Dutch artist Maurits Cornelis Escher maybe nothing more than an audacious international art “scam”.

Certain art punters have dubbed the work as the “Loch Ness monster and black man without a face” but the managing director of the company that licences all of the artists work is dismissive. Mark Veldhusen, managing director of the MC Escher Company B.V. of Baarn in the Netherlands, told The Highland News that “no-one had ever contacted his company or M.C. Escher Foundation which promotes Escher’s work about the ‘so-called piece of art'”.

“This drawing is not made by M.C. Escher and the signature on the back does not belong to Mr. Escher” he added.

Professor Kettle, in charge of his Loch Ness project said, “it’s very distressing to learn that some people may be behind a scam or attempt to mis-lead people about the elusive Loch Ness Monster. Nessie is a real cryptozoological beast (cryptid) and serious research to find her continues. We will not be sidetracked by this tittle tattle”.