Loch Ness Monster Breathes Again as ash clears

by Mikko on Sun 06 Jun 2010 15:04 BST
Never since the late and unlamented Publican Party took over a large mobile model of our beloved Nessie and trundled it around Loch Ness with a large mocked up cigarette hanging out of its mouth has the Loch Ness Monster ever been so challenged by ash. On that occasion the pub landlords concerned were seeking votes in a general election to overturn the Scotland -wide ban on smoking in public places. Needless to say their humiliation of Nessie probably helped to ensure they got so few votes that they lost their electoral deposit and they have never been heard from since!This time it’s volcanic ash from Iceland that’s been threatening to asphyxiate the rare cryptozoological creature (cryptid). It has fallen heavily across the loch creating a kind of sulphur based scum that blocks out light and air. It’s also played havoc with a lot of delicate research equipment that is used to study Nessie and many other rare creatures that dwell deep beneath the water.

Professor Kettle spoke of his grave fears that Nessie would finally be killed. “We have been working day and night to skim the ash off the water using a flotilla of small boats and large quantities of sphagnum moss, which is plentiful here. This is rolled into tight tubes and tied with netting and then dragged across the loch behind the boats”.

He went on to describe the challenge to local teams of volunteers: “Although we had some twenty five boats we had to cover an area of about 33 square miles and it’s taken two weeks of work around the clock”.

Now the job is finally complete and the water is clean once again. A local fisherman gave his thanks to the team. “I think what they have done is wonderful and I know I speak on behalf of the silent majority when I say that it means a great deal to us to know our monster is safe and we can fish again”.

The fear is that a second volcano five times larger than the first will explode soon – it usually follows the smaller one within a year or two. But Dr. Pott says his team will do more research and perfect their clean-up methods. “Unlike BP in the Gulf of Mexico we intend to be fully prepared for a large scale disaster over here”.


Lancaster Bomber flight over Loch Ness grounded by volcanic ash

by Mikko on Sun 16 May 2010 15:58 BST
News has just come in that a flight over Loch Ness by a Lancaster Bomber has been grounded due to volcanic ash from Iceland. The flight, due to arrive from Manchester, had been part of plans to commemorate the crash of a WWII bomber in Loch Ness, the remains of which remain 750 feet (250 metres) beneath the waves.

Divers who have entered the deep waters near the crashed site have often surfaced white faced and trembling with fear having seen or felt a strange presence in the water.

Eminent cryptozoologist Professor Kettle believes that what they saw or felt is in fact the cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. Speaking from his project HQ he said, “I am very disappointed that the Lancaster Bomber has not been able to make its flight as I was looking forward to an extraordinary day, but I am certain that others in the field of cryptozoology agree with my view that anything strange in the loch is in fact a surviving plesiosaur”.

He continued, “others have strange beliefs including some who think that Elvis Presley and Maralyn Monroe live on the crashed bomber – trapped in some kind of time warp or other dimension – but I think we can safely discount such tittle tattle”.

More about a Lancaster Bomber here.


Loch Ness “Top Hat” Plan to Seal Off Volcanic Plume 750ft Beneath Surface

by Mikko on Sat 15 May 2010 19:09 BST
In a plan that looks similar to one being used by oil companies in the Gulf of Mexico, a massive metal “top hat” is being built by oil yard specialists in the Highlands of Scotland to seal off a new and worrying volcanic plume.

Dr. Pott said, “the situation is difficult and dangerous as this lava and sulphur outflow is 750 feet beneath the loch’s pitch black water. If left unchecked it could create millions of litres of sulphuric acid with the potential for wiping out salmon, catfish, eels and of course the world famous cryptid, Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster.”

Other cryptozoological specialists are equally concerned. Professor Kettle warned that the mission was probably a “one off chance to avert disaster”.

Loch Ness has very acidic and dark water due to the massive amount of peat that is washed in from thousands of streams and rivers and cryptozoologists believe that this makes it especially vulnerable to environmental damage.

A specialised ship with enormous lifting gear and submersible robot submarines has been chartered to drop the steel top hat onto the volcanic plume, which will then be covered with over a million tonnes of rock dynamited from the underwater cliffs.


Loch Ness faces more volcanic ash

by Mikko on Sat 15 May 2010 15:46 BST

The Loch Ness area along with the UK – right down to Heathrow and Gatwick – face more travel chaos as further volcanic ash from Iceland heads our way. The MET office said flights could be cancelled or re-directed from Sunday 16th May to Tuesday 18th May so check with your airports and airlines before travelling during that period.

Cryptozoology: Kettle moves to quash Loch Ness beard “zombies”

by Mikko on Thu 29 Apr 2010 08:41 BST
In an astonishing attack from his Loch Ness project head quarters, Professor Kettle lashed out at the new wave of beards “engulfing” Loch Ness. “I want to make it quite clear that I do not have a beard and I never intend to have one. I am a serious academic involved in the ongoing search for the cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster and beards are simply appalling”.

Cryptozoology was shaken by the revelation that one of its greatest experts had finally come down against beards and other experts were keen to give their pseudo scientific opinion. Dr Pott said, “Frankly I am surprised. I know that Kettle has been under a lot of pressure since we lost our opportunity to place hydrophones into Loch Ness and to deep scan for the sounds of a monster (due to the closure of British airspace earlier this month) but this is a worrying development.” He added, “it’s possible that Gordon Brown’s “bigot” encounter with Gillian pushed him over the edge”.

However, history may be on Kettle’s side again. “It is clear that men and women with beards tend to have low IQs as well as a lack of personal hygiene” said a source close to the EU Commission on British Fish Recycling.

The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment.


Loch Ness Monster sightings – the latest news

by Mikko on Wed 28 Apr 2010 09:28 BST
The latest list of sightings of the cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, have been declassified and placed online here http://www.lochness.co.uk/fan_club/thisyr.html.

World leading cryptozoologist Professor Kettle commented, “this latest information confirms that sightings are markedly down since Kevin Carlyon, High Priest of British White Witches, visited the loch and placed a spell protecting Nessie from people out to get her.”

“We haven’t got the resources available to analyse Kevin’s impact but we are definitely aware of a more elusive monster in these waters”.

A member of the British Institute of Cryptozoology and Advanced Pseudo Sciences was unavailable for comment.