Never since the late and unlamented Publican Party took over a large mobile model of our beloved Nessie and trundled it around Loch Ness with a large mocked up cigarette hanging out of its mouth has the Loch Ness Monster ever been so challenged by ash.
On that occasion the pub landlords concerned were seeking votes in a general election to overturn the Scotland -wide ban on smoking in public places. Needless to say their humiliation of Nessie probably helped to ensure they got so few votes that they lost their electoral deposit and they have never been heard from since!
This time it’s volcanic ash from Iceland that’s been threatening to asphyxiate the rare cryptozoological creature (cryptid). It has fallen heavily across the loch creating a kind of sulphur based scum that blocks out light and air. It’s also played havoc with a lot of delicate research equipment that is used to study Nessie and many other rare creatures that dwell deep beneath the water.
Professor Kettle spoke of his grave fears that Nessie would finally be killed:
“We have been working day and night to skim the ash off the water using a flotilla of small boats and large quantities of sphagnum moss, which is plentiful here. This is rolled into tight tubes and tied with netting and then dragged across the loch behind the boats”.
He went on to describe the challenge to local teams of volunteers: “Although we had some twenty five boats we had to cover an area of about 33 square miles and it’s taken two weeks of work around the clock”.
Now the job is finally complete and the water is clean once again. A local fisherman gave his thanks to the team. “I think what they have done is wonderful and I know I speak on behalf of the silent majority when I say that it means a great deal to us to know our monster is safe and we can fish again”.
The fear is that a second volcano five times larger than the first will explode soon – it usually follows the smaller one within a year or two. But Dr. Pott says his team will do more research and perfect their clean-up methods. “Unlike BP in the Gulf of Mexico we intend to be fully prepared for a large scale disaster over here”.