Pogonophobiacs Warned to Steer Clear of Loch Ness

 

Loch Ness Monster hunter kit
Loch Ness Monster(Nessie) pseudo academic’s kit.

The BBC’s Jeremy Paxman has identified pogonophobia as a cause for concern and Loch Ness is reeling as the area is well known to be full of sad and vain bearded old men.

Clean shaven Professor Kettle spoke to us from his Loch Ness project HQ and warned visitors who suffer from pogonophobia (the fear of beards) to keep away or risk feeling queasy. “We seem to buck the UK trend when it comes to facial hair. Fortunately the women generally steer clear of beards around the loch but many monster specimens of the male denomination do exist. Some extreme examples are quite wild and unwieldy and could put an unwary tourist right off their tea. Our research reinforces the view that Neanderthal Man lived in peat bogs around Loch Ness and possibly still does.”

Dr. Pott added, “Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, is thought to be beardless and it’s heartening that the next generation have pretty much put beards to one side in favour of more sensible things like getting themselves an education. Cryptozoologists get a bad press, often because they aren’t formally qualified and cryptozoology deserves better”.

Amazon Pacu – flesh eating fish the real Loch Ness Monster?

In a worrying new development, Amazon Pacu ball chomping fish have been attacking swimmers off the coast of Sweden and are now feared to be heading for Loch Ness.

The critters are cousins of piranhas and can grow large: 90 centimetres long and weighing up to 25 kgs. They are nicknamed “ball cutter” for frequent attacks on the male genitalia.

Speaking exclusively to us, eminent Professor Kettle said, “obviously my Loch Ness research project is now closely monitoring the situation and we’d advise everyone not to totally panic – but do take extra care to always wear full body swimsuits in Loch Ness and be on the look out for these fish. We want to hear from anyone who encounters them or sees suspicious activity via our sister resource site, Nessie on the Net. Please email me at Loch Ness HQ.” 

Another long established and world famous Loch Ness researcher, Dr. Pott added, “needless to say, the fish have apparently made the enormous journey from the Amazon to Sweden. It’s only a comparatively short hop for them into the very hospitable nutrient and food rich waters of Loch Ness.”

Speaking about the Swedish incidents, an expert  for the Danish Museum told the UK’s Daily Telegraph newspaper “The pacu is not normally dangerous to people but it has quite a serious bite, there have been incidents in other countries, such as Papua New Guinea where some men have had their testicles bitten off.”

There is more on the terrifying fish that are rampaging Sweden in the Daily Telegraph newspaper. How will cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, cope with this latest amazing phenomena? Our world leading cryptozoologists and experts will keep you posted as events unfold on the ground and in the deep and murky water.

US to teach students reality of Loch Ness Monster

In the southern state of Louisiana in the USA, school pupils will be taught that the Loch Ness Monster is real in an attempt to dispute Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution.

Speaking from his Loch Ness side project, Professor Kettle stated, “we are very excited about this development. It shows that people around the world are keen to find out the truth about the prehistoric creature living in this massive murky world”.

Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, has been seen dozens of times over the years and millions of people have visited the area with the hope of catching a glimpse of the elusive creature. Many cryptozoologists speculate that Nessie is in fact one of a large family of dinosaurs that navigate between the deep oceans and Loch Ness each year.

More on this story is in The Scotsman.