Olympic Torch Hits Loch Ness

TorchDrumnadrochit elders have been quick to dismiss reports that the Olympic Torch is to be carried along its path today by elderly men with massive beards they have doused in petrol and set on fire in a desperate bid to draw more attention to themselves. “It is simply not true that this wonderful thing has been hijacked by a bunch of self-appointed self-publicists keen to milk the event for all its worth”, a spokesperson for The Silent Majority told us.

Well, that is a major relief. Nessie, our famous Loch Ness Monster, has enough trouble with formally unqualified pseudo scientists already and really doesn’t need the hassle of Zimmer frame aided burning beard “expeditionistas” creating even more mayhem!

In other news, Torch Watchers have again been warned by Professor Kettle not to throw dead chickens into Loch Ness as highly contagious Legionnaires’ Disease rages through the country showing no signs of slowing down

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