Loch Ness clue to exciting new lifeforms discovered in humans

Incredible groundbreaking research into tiny obelisk shaped objects inside the human mouth and gut may have been given a crucial boost by Professor Kettle’s Loch Ness research project.

Loch Ness Biofoul
Human Obelisk Cells in Loch Ness

“We have been investigating prehistoric life forms and monsters in Loch Ness for decades, including the once unknown sulphur vent bottom feeders that live in Edwards Caves far beneath the waves.”

“When I read about this fascinating discovery of very ancient obelisk cells in all of us, it suddenly dawned on me that our loch is a scientific link to the origins of life. We are starting a new quest to track down equivalent cells in our water samples and will produce a detailed report as soon as possible”

Details of the human obelisks can be found here.

Latest Search for Nessie “is a washout”, according to leading Loch Ness Monster Researcher

Nessie Forces Drone to Retreat At Loch Ness

“Drones, and a hydrophone were going to be used in our attempt to find Nessie this weekend”, Professor Kettle told this Blog. “Unfortunately the weather has been appalling with fog and mist reducing visibility to a few yards and the amount of rain has completely wrecked our world-leading hydrophone deployment”

Professor Kettle was intending to use this weekend as the latest large scale scientific quest to find Nessie but the world famous crytozoological creature does, for now, remain as elusive as ever.

Government Denies “Spy” Balloon Taken Down Over Loch Ness

RAF Vulcan bomber destroys Loch Ness Monster balloon
Vulcan Bomber Intercepted Balloon

The world has held its breath as the USA and other Super Powers edge towards conflict over spy balloons and octagonal shaped UFOs (Unidentified Flying Objects) that were seen over nuclear missile silos and Canada.

In a shock new development locals have reported seeing RAF Vulcan Bomber apparently engage and destroy a possibly red coloured balloon over Loch Ness.

A member of the local silent majority, who did not want to be named told us, “I was sleeping in my favourite chair with Channel 4’s Countdown blaring away on the TV. Suddenly my house shook as a super sonic jet screamed through the sky heading towards the loch. I got my binoculars out and saw a balloon deflated, plummeting towards the water”.

Professor Kettle was also out on his Loch Ness Research Project boat taking hydrophone recordings at the beginning of Nessie’s mating season. He expressed concern that the noise would unsettle the famous monster.

“I really want to protest about jets taking down balloons over Loch Ness. We know there is a problem with tourists launching lanterns over the loch but I am assured by the Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board that they have it under control. We don’t need military action in this scientifically sensitive site.”

The balloon is one of many UFOs seen at Loch Ness every year as it is believed to be part of an energy line including the Bermuda Triangle.

Professor Kettle also pointed out that there are suggestions in the American media that the US air force may have spent $1 million shooting down a toy balloon. “The Northern Illinois Bottlecap Balloon Brigade reports that one of its $12 balloons vanished 11th February. This was about the same time President Biden ordered a jet fighter to shoot down a mystery object over Canada’s Yukon Territory”. (You can read more about this in The New York Post).

The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment at time of going to press.

Is a new strain of Malaria about to monster Loch Ness?

Scientists at the UK Health Security Agency (UKHSA) are now probing the Thames estuary for mosquitoes and their larvae in a desperate attempt to thwart the spread of a mutant super-strain of the mosquito borne disease.

Mosquito

Speaking to us from his Loch Ness Research Project, Professor Kettle said, “The real worry for us in the Highlands of Scotland and Loch Ness is that climate change has warmed us up and may bring the pox with it. We have very large mosquitoes and if they cross-breed with our midges, it could be armageddon”.

The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment but has issued a watching brief to the professor. “Malaria was endemic in England until the end of the 1800s and we are also on notice from the world health organisations to be on the look out for deadly West Nile Virus.”

Everyone must take precautions and be constantly aware of the hazards all around us. It is not thought that Nessie is at risk from either virus.

Loch Ness vessels maybe stranded by “biofoul” gluing to the hulls

This is a breaking news story. More soon.

“I’m very concerned that we may experience alien marine microorganisms, plants, algae, or small animals attaching themselves to ships’ hulls navigating through the Caledonian Canal, of which Loch Ness is a major part, from the North Sea or the Atlantic ocean”, Professor Kettle of The

Loch Ness Biofoul
Loch Ness Biofoul

Loch Ness Official Research Programme said.

One of the oldest and most highly respected Nessie monster hunters, Professor Kettle has been maintaining a watching brief on the threats of radiation, Covid, bird flu other toxins that are placing the life of our oldest plesiosaur in great danger. He has promised to continue to analyse core samples.