Signs like this have been condemned as “unhelpful”
Tourism in the Loch Ness area has plummeted sparking fear and outrage that the comprehensive attempt to debunk the existence of Nessie, its famous resident may be partly to blame. The BBC has discovered the slump.
Speaking exclusively to us from his scientific compound, Professor Kettle said, “I have been warning about the likely damage to our fragile rural economy – which is heavily dependant on tourism – by local and outside debunkers. Often these are people who seem embittered by the successes of research projects such as mine and their own inability to find definitive proof. People visiting the area should save their money by visiting the loch themselves, rather than having it “interpreted” for them in some expensive facility”.
Young Dr. Pott also added his view that it was time for the increasingly pointless “old timers” to step aside and let people with a less jaded and more positive approach to hunting for Nessie the Loch Ness Monster and other cryptids and cryptozoological beasts to enhance the area’s appeal.
“Families don’t travel here from other parts of the UK and beyond to see dusty old exhibits about plankton and microbes. They come for Nessie and it’s time The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board wakes up and smells the coffee. Clapped out ideas and old rubbish abound here and aren’t up to scratch.”
The Tourist Board was unavailable for comment at time of going to press.
“I’ve never seen anything like this”, Professor Kettle of the Research Loch Ness Monster project told us. “Our boat and research facilities have suffered terrible damage.”
Council crews are literally using their bare hands in addition to power diggers and hastily converted snow blowers to get deep sand drifts off the critical rural roads and train lines. “It’s sheer mayhem here” added Kettle.
A group of sad of old men – including some self proclaimed Loch Ness experts – are reported to be celebrating 80 years of failure to find Nessie the Loch Ness Monster. Many bearded old debunkers were already in their twenties when there was a good sighting of the monster (in the 1930s) as it walked across the road. Help The Aged were unavailable for comment at the time of going to press but we understand from other sources that they drank a lot and then declared they had never seen anything in the water or, in fact, ever managed anything of any consequence other than to unfailing seek to publicise themselves.
Loch Ness Monster(Nessie) pseudo academic’s kit.
Tourists continue to flock to Loch Ness to see Nessie the monster for themselves and also use our excellent live cams to hunt for her 24/7/365 from around the world. Top world acclaimed Loch Ness Monster researcher Professor Kettle suggests they save their money by avoiding tartan tat exhibitions as well as places that seek to debunk Nessie and detract from the legend.
A hair brained scheme to repair the Kessock Bridge, which links Inverness to the Black Isle across the Moray Firth, has resulted in short journeys taking hours rather than minutes.
Traffic lights have been strung up like confetti around the bridge and are totally out of phase with the rest of the city (in fact, all the traffic lights in Inverness are a mess).
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press but there are real fears that visitors to see Nessie, the Loch Ness monster, will be affected.
“These traffic lights are a disgrace and will harm my Loch Ness research project” said Professor Kettle. “We want the Kessock Bridge replaced with a tunnel because that is the best way to ensure the Loch Ness Monster is not disturbed. Nessie is a protected species and this is just not good enough”.
Well, it had to happen. The Olympics has become nothing but a sad farce with British “jobsworth” Advertising and Standards police apparently stripping down Pepsi Cola posters in favour of Coca Cola, a main sponsor, and threatening the law against little old ladies daring to knit childrens’ teddy bears sporting the Olympic ring logo.
In the southern state of Louisiana in the USA, school pupils will be taught that the Loch Ness Monster is real in an attempt to dispute Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution.
Speaking from his Loch Ness side project, Professor Kettle stated, “we are very excited about this development. It shows that people around the world are keen to find out the truth about the prehistoric creature living in this massive murky world”.
Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, has been seen dozens of times over the years and millions of people have visited the area with the hope of catching a glimpse of the elusive creature. Many cryptozoologists speculate that Nessie is in fact one of a large family of dinosaurs that navigate between the deep oceans and Loch Ness each year.
The Dalai Lama made a rare appearance at Eden Court in Inverness today. He was greeted by thousands of well wishers and expressed his own wish to see Loch Ness. Nessie, the monster did not attend events today as she is resting before the holiday season.
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment.
Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, has been shocked to learn that the NASA Moon Landings are, in fact, a complete hoax. Professor Kettle, speaking from his Loch Ness research project said, “the evidence is all presented here. It is overwhelming”.